Dull knives

You don't have to lie and say you like it to save my feelings because all I ever asked for was the kind of brutal honesty that changes the filter on my pupils and makes the whites of my eyes sting the way they did when I got pink eye in the third grade.

But you're afraid to write down how you feel because maybe then I'll hold you accountable for the words shaped like dull kitchen knives that were aimed at my murmuring heart.

Your tongue is tattooed with the lies you tell yourself and I've never liked the taste of ink.

Ink is meant for paper and lies are meant to be whispered into pierced ears that don't know any better.

So here I am, sitting in an empty hall begging the swelling in my eyes to go down and the saltwater on my favorite t-shirt to dry before the bell rings and releases 2000 faces I've never cared about.

Because you were always the one I looked for in the crowd.

But you weren't like them. 

You had color in your cheeks and a reason. 

You didn't care that no one cared as long as I did and I told you I'd never stop.

But your cheeks are just as cold as the rest of them and that fire behind your words went out with that chilly November wind.

So here's to painting with the grain and moving with the masses because originality died with you.

And it didn't leave a legacy.

Adolescent fog

My judgment has been a little clouded lately but I think that's probably a 17 thing.

And I can't find the answer in the back of the textbook no matter how hard I look.

17's an odd number so why isn't it there?

I keep trying to write essays that explain my life in 250 words or less. But how do they expect me to do that? That would take approximately 12 conversations until the cold hours of the morning where honesty is easier and words flow like rivers.

The world is prettier covered in a thin layer of mist.

Until the mist turns to fog and you're trying to move through it.

Now I'm stuck in the fog between childhood and adulthood and my vision isn't improving with age.

I'm too far in and everyone is so far out of range that not even the animals can hear my desperate cries for help.

Someone tell me what to do.

             

                                   Where to go.

                              

                                                  Who to be.

12 year old me wouldn't be proud of the lost and confused person I've become. 

Sorry I guess 17 isn't what I thought it would be.

I thought I had more potential than this.

Guess not.

You

I live for long drives with music that feels like a memory
And long nights talking to you about life and love and us because I won't be the first to say goodbye.

I live for people who smile back in the halls.
And smiling so hard that my cheeks start burning, but I don't notice because of the light in your eyes.

I live for sushi and cold sprite.
And not being embarrassed to eat in front of you.

I live for sweaty palms and fuzzy socks.
And forgetting to check my phone because you're more interesting than any text I could ever get.

I live for chipped fingernails and clocks that don't have numbers.
And fighting over important things like college and where we'll live when we're older.

I live for loving you even when you tell me I'm better off without you.

Because I know I'm not.

With Heavy Hearts

I don't know death personally. Not like most of you do. 

I've been to a few funerals but only cried at one. Stage 4 brain cancer. I sat in the back and tears stained my cheeks.

And tears stained my cheeks again today. I didn't know him. I wish I had been able to be a friend to him. I wish I could have been the person that changed his mind. But our paths never crossed.

The hard fact is that our paths weren't destined to cross. They would've gotten tangled and screwed up some perfectly chiseled plan. But oh I wish they had been tangled.

I wish. 

I wish.

We all wish. We wish we could have done more. 

You can't blame yourself. 

Lone Peak always comes together when these things happen, but it takes about 2 days for us to fall apart. Let's not fall apart again. 

Rest in peace.